A little more personal...

Today, I did something stupid.

I'm in Greeley for part of my spring break, and I was bored earlier. What else should I expect, after all, it is Greeley. Anyway, I went onto youtube and was watching silly videos - it's so addicting! Then... for whatever stupid reason, I decided to look up Kiernan's page.* Sure enough, he's posted new videos in the months since I'd seen it. I was then stupid enough to watch one of his new videos. And now...

Now I can't stop crying.

It's been almost 6 months since this happened. WHY am I still such a mess?

I think the reason this stupid video is messing with me so badly is because I want his life to be ruined, the same way that mine has. I want him to suffer and fight for reasons to live. I want him to be scared to go into dark rooms and nervous going to his car.

Yes, this is the horrible side of me coming out. Watch out kids - check with your parents for permission before you read the raw emotions. Ha.

So now, with tears streaming down my face, I am left with the same unanswered questions and thoughts I have been wrestling with for months.

I want him to spend every day the way I spend it. Afraid, nervous, anxious. I want him to have to go to physical therapy and listen to the doctors tell him how long it will take for his body to heal. I want him to feel the emotional and physical pain. To have difficulty getting out bed in the morning because he is so sore and depressed. To wonder where God is in all of this. To look your friends in the eyes and see only pity instead of respect. To go to counselling and hear about how long it will take for him to deal with this, how difficult it will be, how much work it will take. To wonder if he has the strength to go on and if he will ever reach the point that he can walk the streets without fear of his attacker coming after him again.

Did he have to change his phone number, email addresses, or credit cards? Did he have to fill out "victim's compensation fund" forms to get money back from missing a week of work and school? Did he have to be fearful of being attacked on each court date and watch his phone in fear of what the court messenger would say?

HOW IS HE STRUGGLING IN ALL OF THIS? I WANT TO KNOW THAT HE FEELS THIS PAIN TOO.

What emotional trauma has he had to endure? How did he reconcile this with the way he thought life was supposed to be? Was his trust in his family, friends, and everyone around him shattered? Did he wonder whose affection was real and who was faking to use him for some other purpose?

Why hasn't this affected him the way it's affected me?
Did he ever care about me the way I cared about him?
What was real?? Was any of the affection he showed me genuine, or was it all lies?

Will justice be done? REAL justice? Or just a slap on the wrist?

When am I going to be past this?

I don't want this to affect me every day - I just want to forget this and only think about it when my kids are asking about what I grew most from.

My soul is divided - I want him to suffer, I want justice but I want him to get help, I want him to be healed of his own problems. Which side should I let prevail?

I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be healed and moved on and not have to put my friends through listening to the same bull crap over and over. I'm annoyed with it, and it's my own thoughts - I can't imagine listening to me again and again.

My friend's facebook status today is:

Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature altogether. It does not hate tragedy. It never denies reality...The love of God did not protect His own Son. That was the proof of His love...He will not necessarily protect us -not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. -Elisabeth Elliot

Which is, to some degree, very comforting. On the other hand... how is dealing with this going to make me more like Jesus? I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I don't have a whole lot of hope left for being normal in a relationship.

God, please show me your purpose in all of this.

*Kiernan is the d-bag who assaulted me in October.