I don’t care what Garfield says. Mondays are far superior to Wednesdays. Although Garfield [probably] never had to go to counseling.
I feel like I’m making progress from Sunday to Tuesday…I can trust and pray and be outgoing and I feel like myself again…Then I head to counseling and fall apart. Is it just because I have so much to process still? Because I’m really getting sick of feeling like this.
Feeling scared that he’ll come after me. Feeling alone because none of my friends understand. Feeling worthless because I can’t help anyone. Feeling pathetic that it’s been months and I’m a wreck.
I don’t have a lot to say that’s positive. As my friend would say, “I’m feeling dark and twisty” tonight.
I don’t understand why God is leaving me like this. Every time I learn to deal with something new I have to face something else, I have to battle again before I’m ready and recovered from what I just overcame.
Spanish class is going great, and after Spanish today I went to counseling. I’m starting something called “EMDR,” which is a psychotherapy treatment that’s supposed to help me process trauma. So the session is fine, but then what happens after? I’m still processing but now I’m alone. And I have no one to talk to about it. And I won’t go to counseling for another week.
This is just stupid… I want to be normal. I don’t want to be scared or broken. People keep telling me God has me here for a purpose, but WHAT is the purpose??? I realize that I need God to survive. I identified and ended the unhealthy relationships I was in. I’m spending more time with God. SO WHAT IS THE PURPOSE? I’m not learning anything but defeat and paranoia. Which I’m sick of.
I don’t want to be broken, and I certainly don’t want to let this control my life. I feel like the way I am is ruining my most important relationships and I worry that those people are going to get sick of me and abandon me.
Why wouldn’t they? I’m sick of me, but I’m stuck here and can’t escape.
Why wouldn’t Kyle find a normal girlfriend who doesn’t panic about simple stuff? Why wouldn’t friends find someone who isn’t so broken? Someone who can take care of them instead of always being the one to come to my rescue?
I don’t know… I feel broken and alone and worthless. Don’t give me advice on how to think. I know in my head that I am valued and loved by God and my friends and my family. I know in my head that I am here for a reason and that God is restoring me. But my heart is so tired of being in this place. My heart is sick of two steps forward, one step back. And I have no idea how to translate my head knowledge to my heart. Every time I ask someone, they just shrug and tell me it’s a personal thing. Well, thanks. That does nothing to help. I know I have to keep on trekking and someday [soon] I’ll make it out of this, but right now my soul is so weary.
God, you have to save me. You’re my last and only hope. All my right answers failed me… I can’t seem to make it on my own. Why are you still here with me? Didn’t you see what I’ve done? In my shame I want to run, and hide myself. But it’s here I see the truth – I don’t deserve you, but I need you to love me and I won’t keep my heart from you this time. I’ll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. I have wasted so much time pushing you away from me, I just never saw how you could cherish me. ‘Cause you’re a God who has all things, and still you want me… I need you to love me.
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